Finding True Success

February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Success and failure. They seem so black and white. So in line with our society’s all or nothing mentality. But how do you define success? You cannot acheive something that you don’t fully understand. How do we ”finally arrive” when we don’t even know where we are going?

 I have a secret for you. It is an ancient secret. It runs contrary to everything we are taught from our earliest memories on. We are told, “You must crawl. You must walk. You must run.” And when we reach adulthood, they tell us, “You must sprint!” All the while, this ancient secret is just beyond sight. We cannot hear its whisper over the din of progress. Its sweet taste is overpowered by the unsatisfying feast we stuff into our hungry mouths each day. But it is still there, nonetheless. It is so mysterious and so powerfully illusive that the moment you try to “achieve it” or “grasp it” or “succeed” at it, you’ve lost it completely. What is this secret?

Stay tuned…

He said She said: Overcoming Conflicts in Perception

December 7, 2011 in Counseling Theory, Marriage and Family | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

We have come to the last “P” in our series on the four P’s of Conflict. As a reminder, the previous three are Power, Preservation, and Purpose. The last is PERCEPTION.  Have you ever had a misunderstanding? Conflicts of perception result in two ways. The first is when two people entrenched on opposing sides of an issue fail to understand intellectually and empathically the positions of their opponent. The second is when we question or misperceive the intentions and/or character of the individuals involved.

Example 1: The perception – “Man, she is so pushy. I just don’t get why she makes such a big deal about politics. I mean, really! Is God in control or isn’t He?” The response: “Why does he refuse to pull his head out of the sand?! If we don’t stand up for what is right, who will?” The conflict: activism vs. passivism. Note that both sides probably have valid experiences that shaped their philosophies. Their emotions flare because they can’t or won’t understand the other.

Example 2: The perception – “That guys house is lavish! He must be one of those shallow socialites who have to one up everybody else!” The response – “Oh no, it’s one of those “holier than thou” vow-of-poverty types who relishes condemning others for enjoying a few of life’s modern comforts.” The conflict: Theology of stewardship. Here, both individuals are in the wrong because of their misperception of each other.

Think about how often our mistaken perceptions of the ideas and character of others create disunity and confrontation in our relationships. “He’s just lazy, she’s just stubborn, they are selfish, snobby, etc.” The rifts that result have damaged our families, our schools, our churches, our businesses and more. But even if our perceptions are correct, we fall short of resolving conflict if we do not seek to understand what has made each of us the way we are and work to empower each other to change. This being said, I’d like to give a few tips on dealing with conflicts of perception:

Regarding Cues: Clarify what’s communicated. We communicate verbally and nonverbally. Both are susceptible to misperception. Effective conflict resolution requires identifying and clarifying social cues. Fritz Pearls, the father of Gestalt therapy, was a master at picking up on the nonverbal cues in conversations. He would often ask clients to exaggerate certain shifts in body position to heighten clients’ awareness of hidden emotions. We certainly don’t need to be this confrontational in our everyday relationships, but we can ask for clarification when the messages we are receiving don’t add up: “You say you’ve forgiven me, but you cringe when I try to touch you. Is there something more you’ve not told me?” “I notice it’s been hard for you to make eye contact during our conversation. Is there something I can do to make you more comfortable?” Understand that some people will chose to remain unengaged. They will resist such attempts for transparency, but don’t be deterred. Your attempts at clarifying will serve you well in the long run.

Regarding the Past: Know but Don’t Go!  As human beings, we like to categorize people and situations. This mental referencing is a natural way to improve our efficiency in dealing with common situations. You might think of it like the autocorrect on your phone when you text. But sometimes we make initial assumptions based on past experiences that are incorrect. We must stay judgment and give people the benefit of the doubt if we are to resolve conflict. Know your past experiences, but avoid drawing conclusions from them until you have all the facts from the current situation!

Regarding Motives: Trust but verify! We all know the passage in the Bible that says, “People look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) This is certainly true during conflict. We can never really know the motives of others, but to engage in conflict effectively, we must have some faith in people. Otherwise, why bother? If you have trust issues in a particular relationship, deal with that first. Then address the specifics of the conflict. If the pattern of someone’s behavior points to an overriding desire for Power or Preservation, then seek outside help from a counselor or trusted mutual friend. If you’ve been burned in the past, bring healing to your wounds by acknowledging and learning from the pain. Don’t surrender to a life of isolation!

Questions: How has your perception of a particular problem affected your relationship with people in your life? What happened when you took the time to clarify your misperceptions? Did it help to resolve the conflict?

When Our Goals Collide: Resolving Conflicts of Purpose

November 29, 2011 in Counseling Theory | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 comments

What happens when a vacationing family prays for sunshine while a farming family is praying for rain? What about when two charities are vying for the same patron? Or when a young lawyer is torn between staying late at the office to make partner and getting home in time to help his children with their homework? The answer for these examples and many like them is that a conflict of PURPOSE arises. In addressing the sources of conflict, we have already covered two of the four: Power and Preservation. The third is equally important. If you believe that life is more than just chance, that you are here for a reason, then you will acknowledge that your life has purpose: an overarching purpose (to love one another, to glorify God…), a contextual purpose (as a spouse, member of a church, worker, parent, friend, etc.), and a pragmatic or immediate purpose (pick up the kids from soccer practice, pay bills, handle crises…). We engage in conflict when one purpose appears to oppose another. This happens on two planes: 1. when an immediate purpose collides with an overarching purpose and 2. when our contextual purposes pull us in different directions.

 Example 1: Your friend really wants you to spend the night out with her to celebrate her birthday (Immediate purpose: celebrate, make a memory, encourage your friend), but you have a deadline at the office the next day which could jeopardize your job if not completed (overarching purpose: provide for your family, maintain stability emotionally and socially). So which do you chose?

 Example 2: Your church is in the middle of a fundraising campaign for an orphanage in Sudan. Because of your business experience, they would really like you to help out. Unfortunately, you’d be spending a lot of late nights trying to do event planning. You know it would be a strain on your marriage and kids, but it’s for God and the orphans, right? What do you do? (Contextual purposes: Parent and Spouse vs. Minister and Philanthropist)

 Let’s face it. You may think you have an easy solution for the two scenarios above, but I guarantee you that real life gets very complicated. Whenever you find yourself asking the question, “What should I do here?” you are questioning your purpose. Let me give you a few tips as you struggle with the subsequent conflict:

 1.      Put Your Purpose on Paper – When you write a mission statement, you are essentially asking, “Why do I exist?” Can you articulate it in a sentence or two? How does this overarching purpose trickle down to your contextual and pragmatic purposes each day? Writing out a mission statement for your life can help bring clarity to the choices you make on a daily, weekly, and yearly basis. You will be far more equipped to avoid unnecessary conflict and overcome the unavoidable conflict in your life if you have something tangible to which you can refer. There are two important questions to ask when writing your mission statement: 1. Who do I want to be? and 2. What do I want to do? Remember, that your purpose is essentially relational, so in writing a mission statement it is helpful to use your context to guide you: 1. Who do I want to be in relation to God, my family, my friends, my coworkers and boss? and 2. What do I want to do as a creation of God, a member of my family, a friend, coworker etc? When conflict arises, ask yourself how well you are living up to whom you want to be and what you want to do as outlined.

 2.      Clear away the Clutter – What are you willing to give up in pursuit of your purpose? Conflict of purpose is about making sacrifices and drawing boundaries. As a finite individual, you must choose what you will do and not do. This will inevitably (and usually temporarily) hurt others in your life who would like you to do or to be what they want you to do or be. It takes a certain resolve to stand up to these challenges, staying single-minded and entering commitments and obligations with eyes open and counting the cost. My rule of thumb is “When in doubt, think it over.” Don’t say yes or no unless you are willing to “let your yes be yes and your no be no!” (Matthew 5:37)

 3.      Clarify Expectations – No one can cover every angle, but as a rule, clarify the expectations of those whose purpose you choose to fulfill. Try to have the facts before making commitments. Don’t be afraid to clarify expectations along the way. It can also be helpful to set a time limit to reevaluate your circumstances. Once you have committed, give the task your all and see it to completion. Trust that God led you to this place with the knowledge you had at the time and He will give you the strength to see it through. If you feel discouraged, share those feelings with someone you can trust, someone who will empower you to keep moving forward.

  4.      Maximize through Compromise – When our purposes conflict, compromise can help align our goals. Compromise is not a dirty word. There is more “gray” to life than you might think. If you are willing to compromise when appropriate, then people will respect you more during those times when you must take a stand and refuse to back down.

 5.      Concede to the Higher Purpose – When you face a conflict of Purpose that cannot be resolved through the above means, always concede to the higher purpose. As a kid, my dad had a saying. “If your friends want you to do something with which you don’t feel comfortable, feel free to blame me!” Essentially, he was saying, your purpose as a son supersedes your purpose as a friend. As adults, we too, need a higher purpose to “blame” for the choices we make. Others may not agree with the decision, but they will understand if we live out our choices with integrity, submitting to our ultimate purpose of glorifying God.

 Question: What conflicts of purpose are you experiencing? What tough decisions have you had to make and what was the outcome?

Conflict Resolution: When you feel attacked

November 9, 2011 in Counseling Theory, Psychiatry, Spirituality | Tags: , , , , | 4 comments

Relationships are full of conflict. If you have managed to avoid it this far in your life, I guarantee you that you have also managed to avoid people. Avoiding conflict is not the answer, although we can certainly try to steer clear of meaningless squabbles and debates. The true sign of a healthy relationship is one that navigates the stormy seas of conflict with intentionality and precision. The only way to do this is to first understand why and how conflict tends to arise. We discussed the first source of conflict in the previous post: POWER. The second source of Conflict is Power’s mirror image: Preservation.

Preservation. Preservation of self is a natural response when we feel we are being manipulated, mistreated, overlooked, or attacked. Our physical bodies even generate responses that alert us to potential threats. Our heart rate increases, our face flushes, our eyes dilate, and our muscles tense. This does not just happen when we feel physically threatened, but emotionally threatened as well. Unfortunately, we can become super-sensitized to possible threats in our relationships, especially if we have been hurt before. If we are not careful, we can perceive threats where there are none. It takes a great deal of intentionality and persistence to recalibrate our system and raise the “conflict threshold” in our minds. So how can we manage our sense of self-preservation as we engage in conflict?

1.      Consider the threat. What has been done to you that has caused you pain? Was it intentional or unintentional? If unintentional, can you let it go? (1 Peter 4:8) If it was intentional, what was the motive? Sometimes people hurt us for good reason. No one likes criticism but sometimes there is truth in what people say. If they were simply being hateful, then what about their actions or words penetrated and threatened your sense of self? We need to take time to consider the threat before we can effectively deal with it.

 2.      Bandage fresh wounds. The Vikings had great warriors called Berserkers who would psych themselves into a frenzied rage before charging into battle. Once they started, there was no stopping them. These soldiers would fight to exhaustion, often ignoring their wounds until they bled to death in the heat of battle. I know too many people who fight like this when they feel attacked. We forget that it’s okay to call timeout. Step back, look at where you have been hurt, and do some damage control before you confront someone. Maybe you need to meet with a trusted friend or advisor to sure up your sense of self. Maybe you need to pray and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment moving forward. Words can penetrate deep into our soul and taking time to heal a little before we jump into a conflict will allow you to resolve it more effectively. If not, you just might cut deeper wounds and bleed all over everyone around you. What a mess!

 3.      Hide yourself in Christ. “The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are safe.” (Proverbs 18:10). What does it mean to “run into the name of the Lord like a strong tower?” In regard to our relationships, it means that our identity becomes so wrapped up in who He is, that people can’t see us anymore. They see Christ.  This, then, becomes our truest source of protection. The more we are like Christ, the more He is being attacked and not us. He will fight our battles, the more we place our identity in him. Then, we can worry less about preservation and more about resolving the conflict and strengthening our relationships.

Question: What has helped you in situations where you feel attacked by others?

The Four P’s of Conflict

October 31, 2011 in Counseling Theory, Marriage and Family, Psychiatry | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Conflict is inevitable. The end result is not. How we handle conflict can make or break our careers, our friendships, our families, and our relationship with God. Knowing why we engage in conflict can help us to determine the purpose for it and the way to address it. I have found four overarching causes of conflict, what I call the 4 P’s: Power, Preservation, Purpose and Perception. I’d like to explore each one of these in the next several posts. 

Power. Power is our desire to control people and circumstances. Because we all have a will, the assertion of our will eventually infringes on the will of others. This is not necessarily a problem if two people are focused on the issue that must be resolved. Our wills become a problem, however, when we are unwilling to sacrifice them, when we make the fulfillment of our desires the ultimate goal rather than the resolution of the conflict at hand. There are times that we should stand strong, refuse to back down, and assert ourselves for a just cause. All too often, however, the assertion of our wills is over “who should do the dishes this time” or “I don’t like my bosses way of filing performance evaluations.” Many of us just don’t like to be wrong and we will avoid admitting it at all costs.

 So how can we address the first P (Power): 

  1. Examine your motives. Why are you engaging in the conflict? Is this battle really worth fighting? What will be at stake if you lose? Your reputation, your rights, your sense of control? Are you focused on resolution or on winning? Being aware of your motives will help you to gage whether or not you should take your stand.
  2. Be willing to yield. We usually enter conflict thinking that we are in the right. Still, we must maintain a teachable attitude or else we fall back into arguing just to win a fight, not to resolve a difficult situation. Remember, your perspective is only one side of the coin. If you cannot acknowledge that other people might have a different view, one from which you could learn, then you will be missing out on the true value of conflict. Iron sharpens iron.
  3. Acknowledge authority. I think we all struggle with this one. Who is in charge? Ultimately, conflict is resolved by one person submitting to the will of another. This is why we have government, family, church, and business structure. We all answer to someone. If you are ever in doubt, submit to the higher authority. Ex: if your spouse asks you to do something illegal, submit to the society’s rules. If the government wants you to do something immoral, submit to God’s authority. I recently had someone ask me, “So what if I could get in trouble either way.” Well, then decide which side you’d rather get in trouble for following! It is important to note that most people’s final authority is SELF. If this is true for you, remember that in conflict, you might win the battle for SELF, but the casualties of war will leave you all alone with only your SELF. In that sense, you’ve lost either way.
  4. Clean up after yourself. Conflict has a way of leaving a mess of hurt feelings, broken trust, and defeated spirits in its wake. We usually focus on power in the midst of conflict, but we can also have power in the aftermath of conflict by taking the initiative to restore, revitalize, and empower those with whom we have had the conflict. The message must be clear. “I value you, despite our disagreement.” Perhaps you have been beaten up by conflict and that message has not been conveyed. Find another source who can fill you up and let you know that you are loved!

 What have you found to be helpful when dealing with the inevitable power struggles that arise in relationships? How have you handled your own desire for power as it confronts that desire in other?

Art that Tells the Story

August 2, 2011 in Book Reviews | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

The effective communication of thought and emotion is one of the best ways to have a healthy mind and a deep connection with God and others. Unfortunately, communicating our emotions can be extremely difficult to do with words alone. That is why God has given us the gift of creativity: to enhance our expression of what we feel deep within us. When we struggle emotionally, the artistic expression of our pain can generate a catharsis unparalleled by rote recitation. Likewise, when we feel joy the beauty of creation gives it wings. This is why I strongly encourage my clients to get involved in some form of art therapy. Not only does the creative process give us an outlet for our emotions, but it draws us deeper into the human experience. We realize the deep bond that exists between individuals as we share our work. Art can be the vessel by which we comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. We tell our story and encourage others to tell theirs.

In our passion to express ourselves, sometimes we forget that art tells a greater story, one that surpasses our own individual experience. The Gospel, or good news, is a story of redemption that the world is longing to know. Sadly, I think we have failed to use all means available to us to tell that story. That is why I am so excited about a new book by Chris Brewer, a great friend of mine. The title is “Art that Tells the Story” and as the back cover describes, ” it is an invitation to experience The Story through commonly observable, shared experience… it is a conversation about the story God is telling.” I believe that you will find great inspiration from the works featured in this book. They include paintings, sculptures, woodcarvings, and pottery all meant to convey some aspect of the greatest story ever told…one in which we all play a part. As you look through its pages, recognize that it is just the beginning of the conversation. Let it inspire you to raise your artistic voice as well and know that by telling your story, you can tell His as well!

 If you’d like more information about “Art that Tells the Story” or “The Gospel through Shared Experience” click here. You will not be disappointed.

The Keys to Authentic Community

May 22, 2011 in Marriage and Family, Ministries, Spirituality | Leave a comment

“I’ve never told this to anyone but you.” For me, this is the saddest statement a client can make to me. So many individuals and families feel a deep sense of loneliness and isolation, even those who are connected with the local body of Christ. They feel lost when it comes to finding an authentic community that will walk with them through their hurts, their failures, and their triumphs.

At a roundtable discussion this weekend in Katy, Tx, we were challenged to consider how the church can better support the nuclear family in dealing with the dysfunction that every one of us has hidden behind our white pickett fences, manicured lawns, and pristine porticos. For me, there are several solutions, all of which were reinforced to me in a message given at our church this Sunday. The passage was Hebrews 13:1-6. Here were the summary points I developed from what I heard:

1. Host intentionally (vs 1-2) – We have become so program-oriented in our culture that we delegate the responsibility of fostering community to an organization, namely the church. I have said this often, but churches are not to be the locus of community. The home should!! Churches need to teach their members what it means to be hospitable. Some of the most authentic people I have known are those who open their homes to strangers. This may feel awkward at first, even terrifying, but the rewards are so worth it. If you want to open up to others and them to do the same, then open your home. Be intentional about the informal moments of life. You just might entertain (and be entertained by) angels.

2. Heal wholly (vs 3) – When working with those struggling with depression, I often find myself saying, “Look beyond your own pain.” Not only is this good for distraction, but it increases a sense of purpose that many depressed individuals lack. When one part of the body hurts, the whole body hurts. Therefore, to heal ourselves, we must heal others as well. Hebrews tells us to visit those who are in prison. What prisons do we find ourselves in? The prisons of addiction, loneliness, bitterness, pride, doubt, guilt, painful memories. Who is your family helping to heal? What ministries does your church have to the poor, the widows, and the fatherless. This is pure and undefiled religion! It’s time to stop consuming as families and start serving as families.

3. Honor Absolutely (vs. 4) – In this life, there are absolutes. Marriage is one of them. If you want to honor the family (see it remain strong and healthy), then honor marriage. Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of the rest of society. Churches are responsible for encouraging fathers to be the spiritual leaders in their home, mothers to nuture and support, and children to honor their parents. But what other absolutes do you stand for? Does your family share any convictions? Our postmodern world is always questioning and never answering. Some people may resent you for your convictions but stand by them. In doing so, you will help to establish a community with clear boundaries, one that will give a true sense of belonging to those who choose to join.

4. Hold loosely (vs. 5) – Dallas is the city of the Jones’s…and everyone is trying to keep up with them. Why are we surprised, then, when our churches do the same thing? We look at the membership rolls, the size of the auditorium, the media equipment, the revenue, the clout of our members, the entertainment for our children and we call that success. If this is the case, then what is the  church teaching the family? Listen: coming to church in jeans and t-shirts is not a measure of how accepting a church is. If we want families to learn contentment, then we better start showing it in our church! If someone has a song to sing to the Lord and they don’t hit all the right notes, is that a crime? If a man has been spoken to by God this past week, do we silence him because he does not have a seminary degree? Is it right to hire outside consultants to teach us how to use psychology to manipulate the minds and emotions of our congregations to give more money to the mega-building fund? Perhaps if we stopped flaunting and fleeing consumerism in our churches, we might see our families follow suit.

5. Herald confidently (vs. 6) – as we honor God individually and as families, we can proclaim confidently “The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Authentic community is so because it has nothing to fear from the outside. It can speak its message clearly and directly with open arms…no hidden agendas, no alterior motives, just truth in love. That’s the kind of community I want to be apart of!!

Question: Where have you found authentic community? What are the qualities or attributes that make it so?

I am Jesus Christ!

May 15, 2011 in Inspirational, Ministries, Spirituality, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

As a psychiatrist, I’m used to some of my severely mentally ill patients believing they are someone famous. One of my patients, years ago, told me that he was Jesus Christ. I will admit: I had a hard time keeping a straight face because he looked nothing like the image of Jesus that I had in my mind. He was dirty, disheveled, with slurred speech and an attention span the size of a mustard seed (to use a spiritual metaphor :) )

Then, suddenly, I realized something important, something that broke me, reminded me of how dirty and unworthy I was: this man really was Jesus Christ, at least as far as my attitude should have been concerned! The words of Matthew 25 were sobering: “Truly, I tell you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Though Jesus was speaking specifically of his disciples in this passage, I think the truth applies to all of humanity, even our enemies.

Though I fail often, I want this simple truth to transform the way I deal with my family, my church, my clients, and anyone else the Lord brings across my path. How many angels have we entertained unaware? I guess it doesn’t matter. What really matters is that what we do for the least, we do for the Greatest! Hear them say, “I am Jesus Christ!”

Question: What helps you to see Jesus in others?

Castles in the Sand

November 16, 2010 in Inspirational, Personal, Spirituality | Leave a comment

The word picture “Castles in the Sand” is often meant to be taken negatively. We glory in fleeting achievements susceptable to the slightest drizzle and the persistent lapping of the ocean’a tide. But “Castles in the sand” has recently taken on new meaning for me as I found myself building my own sand castle on the coast of Charleston, SC. After the passing of a very close family member, my wife and I took our children away for a much needed vacation to get back to the basics of life: eating, resting, and enjoying the simple pleasures of God’s beautiful creation. One of my favorite memories of the trip was building sand castles with my kids. I thought about why that memory is so special to me and will stick in my mind for years to come. Here are several reasons:

1. I was creating, no matter how simply. When God made Adam and Eve, He told them to tend the Garden of Eden that He had created. He allowed them to participate in the process of tiling, planting, watering and harvesting. He gave them the responsibility of feeding the animals and keeping order. Did God “need” Adam and Eve to do this? Of course not. It was a privilege with which God blessed them.

Humans’ enjoyment of creation is an active process. Sure, there are times we sit back and soak in the beauty around us, but that is not all we are meant to do. We climb mountains, paint sunsets, sing about love, build with wood and stone and iron, study and discover truths hidden in nature. As image-bearers of God, we are engrained with a desire to create. To do so is to honor God’s purposes for our lives, no matter how insignificant the creation may seem.  

2. I accepted the futility of my work before I began. Let’s face it. Sitting on the beach for two hours building something that you know is going to get washed away, tramped underfoot, or (in the case of my kids) attacked by flying seashells doesn’t make much sense when compared to the cosmic workings of the eternal universe! I guess unconsciously I understood that going into it. Yet, I still did it. Why? Because the process was special. I had a blast running back and forth to the water’s edge with my children hot on my heels, packing sand into plastic moldings, tapping them out into shapes like walls and towers, digging motes and filling them with water. The best part was that how the actual castle looked didn’t really matter. The “meaning” of the experience came from being together and delighting in our work! Isn’t that ultimately what life is all about?

In our “purpose-driven” lives, we run the risk of forgetting what is really important. First, we can honor God in everything we do! (Sweeping floors, doing dishes, working in factors, pushing papers, editing digital software, reading a good novel) The key is to delight in the process and the people your position brings to you. You never know how God might use the insignificant things in your life to touch others for all of eternity. Second, without God, everything we do is meaningless (preaching to thousands, curing disease, conquering kingdoms, garnering fame, fortune, and power.) Just read the book of Ecclesiastes and you will know that we really might as well be building castles in the sand. Let God’s presence permiate every aspect of your life and you will never be without meaning!!

3. I left the final product behind me. As much fun as we had that day on the beach, it was soon time to leave. We had worked hard that afternoon and had a lot of fun in the process, but we couldn’t stand there forever admiring our accomplishments. Life doesn’t allow that. We had to move on. As we walked back to our beach house, I couldn’t help turning back and looking at our tiny little castle in the distance, dwarfed by the immense ocean waves behind it. At that moment, a father and his young daughter were strolling down the beach. The little girl, having discovered the castle in the sand, began to jump and cheer. She grabbed her father’s hand and began to pull him toward it. “Cooool!!” She exclaimed. “Daddy, isn’t it great?! Can we built one too?!” I smiled as they knelt down and began to dig. Maybe our castle had served a greater purpose after all!

To dream or not to dream!

September 27, 2010 in Counseling Theory | 7 comments

 

With the recent release of the movie Inception, a film by the brilliant writer and director Christopher Nolan, many people are again begging the question, “How meaningful or important are my dreams?” Though we know little about why sleep is important, we do know the effects that a good or poor night’s sleep can have on us physically and mentally. We also know that dreams (and nightmares) are intimately connected to emotional health. Dreams can either be a symptom or a cause of both emotional distress or wellbeing. For example, people with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will complain of terrible nightmares in which they relive some form of the trauma they experienced. Some will avoid sleep altogether because of the nightmares. Others feel depressed, overwhelmed or troubled by their dreams. Conversely, dreams can bring to mind positive memories and relationships from your past, stimulate pleasurable drives for sex or food, and even foster creativity.

The real question is, “Can dreams have meaning or give insight to our lives?” The dream world has been explored by many famous theorists including Freud, Jung, and Adler. The Bible gives multiple examples of spiritual truths being revealed to dreamers. So how much emphasis should we place on people’s dreams today? Here are a few important points to consider:

1. The Word of God is supreme. Many people believe they have had special revelations from their dreams that are in direct contrast to the truths in scripture. You can be sure that you are misintepreting the dream if this is the case. God used dreams to reveal spiritual truths during a time when Scripture was incomplete. Now that we have His complete letter to us, we can rely on His Word fully for spiritual guidance.

2. Accuracy vs. Effect. In exploring someone’s dreams, the accuracy of your interpretation is nothing. The importance lies in the actual effect that a dream has on an individual or the meaning they ascribe to it. By allowing someone to dig into the meaning of their dream, we can gain insight into their emotions and thoughts on various subjects. For example, if a client dreams about a monster chasing him, we may find little to it. However, if the client tells you that the monster looks just like his ex-wife and he feels doomed to be consumed by her, well then it might be worth your time to consider the significance of such a nightmare.

3. Stay in the present, not in the past. Memories and dreams are important only when they remain in our conscious awareness. That being said, if you have a dream about your 3rd grade teacher or an aquaintance you knew years ago, it may simply be your brain processing old memories. However, if this memory or dream effects your present reality, then exploring why is important. I do believe that God brings people or events from our past to our minds for a reason, even if just to pray for them. I also believe that unresolved conflicts can manifest themselves in our dreams if we are currently wrestling with them, consciously or unconsciously. Using our memories or dreams from the past as well as our imaginings of the future can help us understand our current struggles and empower us to overcome them.

Question: What about you? Do you think dreams are important? Why or why not?

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I am a board certified psychiatrist, author, speaker and the Director of Counseling and Psychology at Criswell College in Dallas Tx. I also serve as an adjunct professor at Dallas Theological Seminary. I have a passion for helping people through painful circumstances, be they physical illnesses of the brain, psychological conditions of the mind, social problems of everyday life, and/or spiritual crises of faith and worldview.

Interviews and More:

The Easy Way Out: Making Difficult Decisions
Change in a New Year
Endurance
Wanting, Willing, Waiting
Contentment and Its Nemesis
Go Ahead and Deal with Your Pain - watch 100 Huntley Street segment

Disclaimer

All information provided is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional. Dr. Henderson cannot respond to inquiries about prescription refills, or medical or psychiatric emergencies over the internet. If you are a patient in need of assistance, please contact Dr. Henderson’s office directly, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

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